Where to begin, so much has changed yet stayed the same at the same time....

Well I guess I will start by trying to explain a little of what I mean by this statement..... well at least that sounds a reasonable beginning for now!

I have never been what I would call a Good, Strong or Easily likable man, I have many, Many mental problems, hell one of the reasons I stay well away from psychiatrist's and their ilk is the fact I could easily find myself in a nice padded cell! I have my own ways of dealing with my shadows, and since I am still somehow alive, I guess I have done a reasonable job of controlling them. Hell I missed my appointment with Arawn on my 25th birthday, and that was a self made appointment... maybe thats why, who knows. Yet despite "controlling" my shadows, I never really understood most of them, and didnt even realise a lot of them existed till recently. Now? Now I see my name is legion, and I can accept this, and for the first time I have a woman beside me that accepts me, not for what she thinks I am, but for what I am.

I was married for bout 8 years to a girl who thought I was other then what I am. Cant blame her for that, since a lot of what I am hadnt yet surfaced. For awhile it was good, but once external (Read Family ) pressure was removed we started bouncing off each other. What she saw begininng to surface in me scared her, as did what she saw in herself.I tried to remold myself into what she wanted, but thats never a good idea, even for one such as me. The result was a Very messy divorce, especially considering there was no children involved. I cant say that I walked away from that marriage clean or with self-respect, but at least I was the one that realised we were tearing each other apart and started the ball rolling the way it needed to. However I also lost control of myself, and lost ME in my own shadows.

Diane saved me. Sounds simple, yet it is true, and far from simple, Yet at the same time is.... for her. She has accepted who I was then, and also accepted me for who I am and what I want from life. True, there is friction in the relationship we are still dealing with, but we are dealing with it quite nicely thankyou!

You may have realised by now that I am not a Christian in any way. The simplest way to describe my beliefs is with a label, and gods know I have realised that labels are never truly accurate, but that label is "Pagan Agnostic" My beliefs in the spiritual are resolving themselves, but even I dont know fully know what I believe...... other then I DONT believe a storybook that was written purely to offer control over the poor masses, and yes I do mean that P.O.S. called the bible. If you believe in it, then good for you as far as I am concerned, and I mean that without any malice, and I will not attack your personal beliefs without reason, though I reserve the right to my beliefs and the right to express them, just not in your face. I leave such things to evangalists and their ilk. Now I am not going to bore you by trying to resolve what I believe (if you know me you have had a hint of what they are, if you dont, well I guess you may never know even if you wish to ) I mention this purely because none of this entry will make real sense if you read it under the assumption I AM a Christian (And NO I am NOT a Wican! Nuff said there! ) But one thing I guess I have always believed in in some form is totem animals (Again with the laughable labels ) I always identified with Felines, and whilst I still admire and love them in many ways, I have come to realise that something a friend once told me is right despite what I wished at the time, Cat is not who I am.

You were right J about what I am, more than you knew, though I wasnt ready then to accept it, nor was I then in a relationship with a woman that would accept it. Now I am, and do.

So whats changed outwardly in my life? Lets see, I am looking at leaving the UK for the US, and thats due to my woman being in America I have started to be an "adult" in my eyes at last (Hell about freaking time, most see themselves as an adult around 25, me it takes another 10 years ) if only my definition of "Adult" I am finally accepting my shadows as who I am , rather then letting them control who I am, and I now have a Lifestyle to live that I have always craved yet never realised was an option.

I am no longer truly the VoidChilde, though it will always be a part of me. Who am I now? Names have power my friend, and so I will keep that name to myself till I know how to defend it, until then I will continue going by my birthname, and I shall still use VoidChilde for I have become attached to the name now, its worn in and rubbed smooth on the edges, as much of a name as it was once a description

Well there you are, an update of sorts I could go on for days about what I learnt about myself since the divorce, but why when that would bore most, and give some a misconception that they have some power over me due to that knowledge. As for further updates, its more than possible, though I have always been more of a ranter than a blogger, as such, so sporadic is definatly the word Besides... I have to check what is "Acceptable Content" to Bravenet..... because a LOT of my Lifestyle is now not what most call acceptable